Harry Potter and Sniper Rifle Dude
by Gwidlet
Summary: Dumbledore is shot nine times, Harry clings on to the Hogwarts Express Train with a golden cauldron in his free hand, and Ron is referred to as "Harvey". Welcome to the world of bad fanfiction authors.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors' Note:** **This fanfiction is co-authored by three people: me, my sister, and my brother. It is meant to be funny, and intentional errors are scattered throughout, mostly poking fun at common fanfiction mistakes and tropes. We also poke fun at the movies and their flaws, and anythin' else that's worth poking fun at. We also occasionally have references to other things.  
We claim no association with any producers, developers, writers, or cast of Harry Potter. We are the sole owners.  
Just kidding. **

Chapter 1

Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived, had decided. He would buy a book. His Aunt and Uncle would never buy him one, but he'd been saving up since he was six, and now he was eight. He managed to get a ride to the shopping centre with Dudley and Uncle Vernon, who were going to buy Dudley the latest FPS game, _Blood and Honour_.

Inspired by Dudley's game, Harry thought that if he was also up-to-date and had a gun book, he might get some friends. So he went into the bookstore and asked where he might find a gun book. The nice assistant recommended to him _The Adventures of Captain Gunface_, a popular childrens' book from America. From behind him, a bushy brown head spoke.

"My parents are _dentists_, and _they_ say that _Captain Gunface_ promotes poor dental hygiene. I wouldn't get it if I were you! How about you try _Sniper Rifle Dude_?"

"Um, I don't think that book's appropriate for—" started the assistant.

"Great idea!" Harry interrupted, eager to make a friend. The sales assistant resignedly shrugged and fetched the book for Harry.

When it came to payment, Hermione looked at Harry's piles of dimes in horror – as did the shop assistant. "Chewing on dimes is bad for your teeth!" remarked Hermione.

Harry blushed. She'd noticed the teeth-marks.

"Here," said Hermione, noticing his blush, "Take this 20-pound note, I'll take your dimes and take them to the bank." Harry acquaintanced. The shop assistant breathed a sigh of relief at not having to count out 20 pounds in dimes. Book acquainted, Harry went to meet back up with Dudley and Uncle Vernon.

To his surprise, they had already left without him. He looked for them around the carpark, but didn't know what to do; but suddenly, he heard a voice: "… packed with muggles, of course…"

It was Hermione, reading aloud from _her_ newly acqauntainced book! "'Can you tell me how to get onto the platform?' asked Harry."

"Excuse me," said Harry, "But I didn't say that. Also, could you give me a lift home? My legal guardian appears to have left without me on purpose again accidentally."

"Sure," said Hermione, opening the passenger door on her convertible.

"Hermione!" said her mother, horrified.

"Just joking," said Hermione. "There's no way I'd let some vagrant homeless boy into _my_ new convertible." She drove off, laughing cruelly.

Hermione's parents both shook their heads, disappointed in their car-stealing daughter, and offered to take Harry home. (Hermione was essentially good hearted, but was going through a rebellious phase. She read books like _Sniper Rifle Dude_ which taught her how to steal cars, among other things, and she couldn't resist the urge to put what she'd learned into practice).

The car trip was silent, until they pulled up in front of the house and Harry said, "I thought you meant _my_ home when you offered to take me home. Not _yours!"_

"Yes, we'll take you to your home next, sweetie," said Mrs Granger, "but first I want to get Hermione to apologise. She didn't mean what she said, you know. She's been learning the 'lessons of the street' recently."

Right then, one of the ground floor windows on the front of the house slid open, and Hermione yelled out of it, "SORRY," then quickly slammed it shut unwelcomingly.

Harry ran off. He had read, briefly, in his _sniper rifle dude_ book that when insane parents kidnap you, it is best to escape. Almost instinctively, he grabbed a stick from beside the road and flung out his right hand furiously. A giant purple bus appeared in front of him and, having not yet read anything about catching buses that randomly appear in front of you, he got on. "Well come to the Night Bus," Stan Stunpike grinned.

"Take me to 4 private drive, little whining, surey." Harry grunted rudely.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

They arrived and Harry got out. Fortunately, Stan 'Stunpike' Shunpike had understood his garbled directions. Unfortunately, Stan then asked for the 4 Galleon fee.

"4 _Galleons_?" Harry yelped, not at the exorbitant fee, but at the unfamiliar currency.

"Nah, I'm just kidding with ya," said Stan. "4 Sickles."

Harry fished in his pocket for the last of his dimes, and held out four of them. Stan took them without looking.

Harry made his way inside, and Vernon greeted him with a nasty smile. "Made your way back, did you boy?" asked Uncle Vernon.

Harry did not dine to answer the rather stupid question. He went to his cupboard and opened his knew book and read. And read. And read. It was enlightning! That night, Harry dreamed he was Steven Royce Daniels, the Sniper Rifle Dude.

He knew that when he grew up, he wanted to be as cool and sniper-rifley as Steven Royce Daniels. He read the book cover-to-cover, then he reared it. He reared it again and again throughout the years, and by the time his Hogwarts letter finally arrived, he could resite it line for line. He even knew the barcode. In times of hardship, he would remember it "L65437H2". But one day, an owl flew into his cupboard. It dropped a letter on his head, then flew back out through the air vent. "Did you hear something, Petunia?" Harry heard Uncle Vernon ask.

"Just the wind," said Petunia. Harry stared at his letters.

He opened one that said

_As you have read the other letter already, you know what Hogwarts is, and you know that Hagrid is the groundskeeper, and we are sending him to take you to Diagon alley. He will destroy your front door in approximately 12 seconds_.

Harry scrambled to read the first letter. But, just as he fished it out of the envelope, Petunia screamed. Then a cannon fired. Peering out of his air vent, Harry could see a cannon ball sail past his cupboard. Then he realised it was just a cake that Petunia had thrown at the man entering his house.

The man was _huge_ – he was literally the biggest person Harry had ever seen. _This must be Hagrid_, Harry throught.

"I'm Hagrid!" the man said, "Where's Harry? I know that fat kid over there must be Dudley and not Harry."

"I'm Harry." The whole room went silent when the boy spoke. From inside his cupboard – Hagrid was very confused. "I didn' know you was a cubberd, 'Arry," boomed Hagrid.

Harry thought he could _hear_ Petunia rolling her eyes. "The boy is _not_ a 'cubberd', you great oaf! He is _in_ the cupboard!"

"Well, 'ow was I s'posed ta know tha'?" asked Hagrid.

Petunia did not dine to answer. Harry emerged from the cupboard, the first letter still in his hand. "Ah, yeh've read yer letter then," said Hagrid.

Harry felt guilty as he lied, "Yes, of course!" – then he scanned the first line and screeched, "SCHOOL OF _WHAT?_"

"Didn't you wonder where you were going to _learn_ it all?" asked Hagrid.

"I'm a naturally incurious individual." Said Harry.

Hagrid got angry, and shot out his wand. It hit Dudley, who sprouted a pig tail.

"_Car crash?!_" Hagrid demanded.

"I didn't say anything about a car crash. It is also highly insensitive of you to mention the mode of my parents' death," said Harry.

"Sorry, I forgot to mention that I am an 'ighly accomplished legilimens," said Hagrid. "Also, I saw a car crash outside and was just remarking on it."

"Are you saying that my parents _didn't_ die in a car crash?" asked Harry.

"I didn't say that – I'm sure you're already aware that your parents are famous and died in saving you."

"WHAAT?!" screamed Petunia, "THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT DUMBLEDORE LETTER SAID!"

"DO NOT." Said Hagrid. "INSULT. ALBUS. DUMBLEDORE. IN. FRONT. OF. ME."

"Or what?" said Petunia childishly, and soon Dudley had been given a curly pig's tail to match the one in his hair from earlier.

Harry decided it was time to read his letter fully. He read the list of school supplies, and then turned to Hagrid, "Can we buy all this in London?"

"Wha's this 'we' business?" asked Hagrid.

"I – I meant… I just… Sorry," said Harry, "I can do it myself… Hey! Maybe that convertible-stealing girl will come with me!"

"Well I was jus' jokin', but i' sounds like yeh've got a ride lined up alrea'y," Hagrid beamed. "I'll be off, then! Bye!"

"NO!" screamed Harry, but Hagrid was gone.

Harry was locked into his cupboard for the night, making plans for tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

**A/N Sorry for the short chap, he has short parents, it's not his fault.**

Harry had his plan all worked out for getting to London. He would use that purple bus. Hopefully, the dime trick would work again for the cutlasses that the conductor had asked for. Or was it scimitars? Sickles? Whatever; Harry didn't have any weaponry (it was a bit of a sore point with him).

Harry walked out to the street to summon the nighttime bus, then realised it wasn't nighttime – but just then, Hermione pulled up in a Volkswagon Beetle. "Hop in, Barry!" screeched Hermione.

Harry quickly checked in his memory banks for any references to getting in cars with crazy friends in _Sniper Rifle Dude_, but found none, so shrugged and got in. Something about this felt off, but he wasn't going to question a free ride.

On the way to London, Hermione explained to Harry about a crazy letter she had got, and how it had detailed instructions about getting into a wizarding supplies ally called Diagonally. Harry defiantly remembered something about going into allys with crazy people from _Sniper Rifle Dude._ But he was also pretty sure that the crazy girl meant 'alley', so he decided to just go with it. Luckily, Hermione was genuine in her explanation, and suddenly the two found themselves in Diagon Alley. Bystanding wizards and witches screamed in horror at the metal monster that had just appeared amongst them, running over several small children. "Sorry, sorry," mumbled Hermione as the children's parents quickly healed them with magic.

They found a parking spot – it was easy, as nobody else in the wizarding world owned any cars so all the spots were free. Except Arthur. But he wasn't in Diagon Alley that day, so it didn't matter that Hermione stole the one spot specifically installed for him. Hermione went to get some ice cream, so Harry went to Madam Malking's robe shop.

Inside, he met a really rich boy that made Harry remember he had no money – so Harry instead went to the bank for inheritance tests in case he owned a small fortune. The goblin, HoldBrick, stabbed Harry's finger to take a blood sample. Then he stabbed Harry's finger again just for fun, then again so that he could verify the first sample, and then once more to give him a special mokeskin pouch keyed to him. The goblin examined the first drop of blood and muttered a number of incantations until he stopped in amazement.

"According to _this_ drop of blood, you are the sole surviving descendant of Merlin, Godric Gryffindor, Salazar Slytherin, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff, the House of Potter, and _also_ the _rightful_ inheritor of the Malfoy fortune! Also Harry Houdini. _Lord_ Potter!" Harry was gobsmacked (the goblin really enjoyed causing his customers pain).

The goblin went on, "And this verification drop only says Potter Fortune. Which has been largely depleted by the war efforts 11 years ago. So you're far from rich, kid. And you're not a Lord, because we don't even have Lords in the wizarding world." The goblin smirked to himself; he played that trick on all new wizards and witches. Only this time, the kid actually HAD inherited the Potter Fortune, so that bit was ruined. Realising this, he frowned.

Harry was terrified by the goblin's evil frown and wanted to make a good impression, so decided he would carefully control his spending… but that solid gold cauldron _had_ looked awfully impressive…

Anyway, after Harry rode the underground rollercoaster he shovelled some galleons into his pockets and gave some to Griphook as well, then went off to find Hermione.

"I assume you've got your robes?" she asked, as that was what he had been sent off to do.

"Umm…" said Harry.

"God, you're hopeless!" said Hermione. "I suppose we'll have to go together then, seeing as I forgot my robes altogether when I was here with my parents earlier."

Harry sighed with relief. He hadn't wanted to go and face that rich boy alone, not after Harry had boasted that he was probably actually richer than him. Harry and Hermione went in, and Madam Malking pined all over them before she sold them some robes. Harry was mildly disgusted by the hopeless pining, but at least he now had the school uniform. Hermione didn't mind as much; she knew what it was like to have a broken heart…

**FLASHBACK**FLASHBACK**FLASHBACK**

_"I'm breaking up with you!"_

_"OH NOOOO" Hermione howled_

**END FLASHBACK**END FLASHBACK**END FLASHBACK**

A single tear escaped Hermione's eye. Harry pointed at it and laughed.

"Wha—I JUST HAVE DUST IN MY EYES!" yelled Hermione.

"Eye," Harry corrected, "There was a _single_ tear. Like _you're_ SINGLE!"

"Right," said Hermione, reareding the sentence.

Harry decided he didn't need books, so they went off to get his wand.

When he entered the shop, it was empty. When Hermione entered the shop behind him, Harry was in there. Then Ollivander followed them both in, "Why did you break into my store during my lunch break?" he asked them mildly.

"We don't have wands, so we don't know any better," Hermione attempted.

"Ah! Of course, I understand entirely," Ollivander assured them, "Now let us remedy the problem, shall we?"

Not believing their luck, Harry and Hermione went along with the game that followed, whereby Ollivander would hand them obviously useless sticks and then laugh at the results when they waved them around.

Finally, Ollivander seemed to tire of the game with Hermione, and thrust a final stick at her unceremoniously, "Here's your wand, I want to humour _him_ a bit more though, it's funny." Hermione took the wand and felt a sudden warmth overwhelm her. She sank to the ground in a faint.

Harry, not noticing Hermione's predicament, tried numerous other wands for some time.

"Tricky customer, eh?" Ollivander said delightedly, "Not to worry, not to worry… your reactions are quite amusing!"

Then, Ollivander suddenly stopped, back ramrod straight. He turned slowly on the spot to survey Harry with his wide, unblinking, creepy, surprised, shocked, multi-faceted eyes. His feet twitched, then he stomped both legs, then his arms waved around a bit, his head nodded, and finally, his eyes widened.

"I_ wonder_…" he said slowly. "Could it _be_?" he continued.

Harry jumped up and down excitedly, just as Ollivander had been hoping he would.

"_Your WAND_!" shouted Ollivander triumphantly.

He held up the most battered wand Harry had yet seen, eyeing it with reverence.

Harry stopped jumping excitedly. Instead, he looked rather dejected – people in the wizarding world seemed to like playing with his emotions.

"No, I'm just joking," said Ollivander, as Harry half-expected.

"Actually," Ollivander said, "Your wand is more special than most, sharing a brother core with The dark lord's. But, anyway, it's on the top shelf. Could you climb the ladder and reach it for me?"

Harry excitedly started climbing the ladder, and climbing, and climbing, and climbing, but he never seemed to reach the top. He eventually gave up, tears in his eyes, and went to tell Ollivander that he couldn't. As he looked down for the next rung down, he realised that he was on the bottom rung. And his friend Hermione seemed to be either dead or unconscious, but that wasn't important. Harry ran across the room and punched Ollivander in the face (because he didn't appreciate the cruel prank the man had played). When the old man collapsed, Harry noticed a box with 'Harry's wand' written on it poking out of his pocket. Feeling unobliged to make the payment, Harry simply took the box and dragged his friend's body out of the store. Luckily, a passing wizard used enarvate on Hermione (luckily for Hermione, anyway).

Harry decided that potions also wasn't important, so didn't purchase a cauldron except for the solid gold one, and no ingredients at all. Then he demanded Hermione take him home.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

When they got back to the car, they were surprised to find a Ford Angelina on top of it. "How surprising! A Ford Angelina!" said Hermione. Harry examined Hermione's car, and discovered that he couldn't drive it, so he reread his bottom into the Ford Angelina. Hermione got in too, and off they flew! Hermione acted natural, as though flying cars were nothing new to her. She took Harry to his house and dropped him out. It was only a few kilometres down, so Harry was fine. Cats always land on their feet (did I mention Harry was an animagus?).  
"When will Santa get here?" Asked Dudley, just as a cat with ruffled, ash-black fur and bright green eyes fell through the chimney.

"OH NO! SANTA!" said Vernon, "WHAT HAVE _THOSE PEOPLE_ DONE TO YOU?!" He scooped Harry up into his arms, and Harry appreciated the moment where his own family finally showed him any affection. Then he turned back into a human, and Uncle Vernon recoiled in horror.  
"_You're _SANTA?" Said Vernon, confusingly.

"No. I mean yes. Ho Ho Ho," said Harry, but Vernon had caught the slip-up. His face turned purple. Then magenta. And then yellow. And then puce.  
"Stop throwing paint at him, Dudley!" Said Aunt Petunia.

"But he's been horrible to Santa all these years!" said Dudley. He turned his pig-tail to face Harry, "I don't think you're a waste of space, Harry."

Harry was touched. And then yanked by his ear into his cupboard. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon explained to Cousin Dudley that Harry was not actually Santa, and the boy was heartbroken. Dudley would have been more curious about why Harry was heartbroken if he cared about people that weren't Santa.

The days went by, and Harry kept reareding his _Sniper Rifle Dude_ book (even though he didn't need the book to recite it in his head now). Steven Royce Daniels was very inspiring, because he, too, had lived in a cupboard at one point, but then he'd sniped the evil people that had put him there.

Finally, he day came to go on the Hogwarts Express Train. Harry walked out side, intending to use the night bus like he had before, only to find a Ford Angelina there. "Hermione!" he shouted. "Do I know you?" the bushy brown head replied.  
"It's me! Harry!"  
"You mean Barry? Barry Horter?"

"No, Harry!"  
"OH, BARRY! Hi! Get in!" Said Hermione, still levitating at the height of the roof. Harry tried to scale the side of the house, but fell down. Hermione laughed and flew away. Harry cried. But from his tears sprouted a fairy godmother! "I will grant you three wishes," said the fairy godmother.  
"For my first wish, I want to be at King's Cross Train Station," said Harry, and his fairy godmother transported him away before he could make his other two wishes.

Unfortunately for Harry, he hadn't specified _when_ he wanted to be at King's Cross Train Station. He looked around for a clock and found a pocket watch inside someone's coat, and realised it was 10:55AM. The Hogwarts Express Train was leaving at 11! Harry looked around, and saw people running at and through a wall! "… packed with muggles, of course…" he overheard. It was Hermione again!  
"Are you reading that book _again_?" asked Harry, and Hermione walked past him and into the wall. "Did you want to know how to get onto the platform, dear?" asked a red headed woman. Harry was scared by the woman that had painted her head red, but shook his head up and down anyway. "It's Ron's first time, too," said the woman. Harry looked around her, but she was alone. "Hello, Ron," he said, holding out his hand to the empty space beside her, to humour her. The woman looked around, thinking the boy was a bit crazy. "Anyway," she continued, "Ron's already on the platform. You can get to it by running at that wall over there." As a mean trick, the woman pointed to the wrong wall, and cackled evilly when Harry ran straight at it. "Just joking," she said, which Harry was growing used to, "it's that other wall between platforms 9 and 10."  
But Harry was suspicious! How could it be platform 9 and three fourths when it was halfway in between them? So he ran three quarters of the way between platforms nine and ten, which had pretty much the same result, because he went through the wall anyway. Unfortunately, he had fallen onto the train tracks, and the Hogwarts Express Train was just taking off. Fortunately, it was taking off like a rocket, and so it didn't run him over. He clung to a wheel as it took off, glad that he had been wise enough to only buy a solid gold cauldron to take with him. "Grab on, Harvey!" said Hermione, reaching her hand out of the window. A boy next to Harry reached up and grabbed Hermione's hand, and Harry took hold of Harvey's clothes with his free hand. "Oh, hello Barry," said Hermione as Harry clambered through the window (using Harvey for leverage).  
"Hi," said Harvey, "I'm Ron, but she keeps getting it wrong. And you are…?"

"I'm Harry. She keeps getting my name wrong, too. Pleased to meet you, Harvey," said Harry. They bonded over Hermione's name-wrongness. I mean, who's named _Hermione_? They laughed with one another, and a single tear rolled down Hermione's face. "HA HA! That tear is SINGLE again!" said Harry, and Harvey looked a bit upset that Harry was being so mean to Hermione.  
"That was morally wrong," said Hermione, and from that point on she became Harry's moral compass.

"I agree," said Harvey, and from that point on he also became Harry's moral compass, and also Hermione's boyfriend. Hermione was so happy that two tears rolled down her cheek, and Harry pointed at them, "HA! TWO SINGLE TEARS!"

"No," said Hermione. "Two tears in a relationship." And she smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

They arrived at Hogwarts with few fatalities. Also, Harvey and Harry had a hug argument about Harvey's name, and Harry agreed to refer to Harvey as Ron from now on, but only outside of direct speech. "Ron" was happy with this. "And you won't use little sarcasm marks, either, will you?" he asked earnestly. Ron wondered why Harry was asking him, but shook his head.

They travelled across the Grand Lake together in a boat, and they saw the Giant Kraken. Then they walked into Hogwarts, after meeting a nice lady Harry could relate to because she also could turn into a cat.

"I think we have to fight a troll," Ron said nervously. Harry exchanged looks with Hermione. "What do you think, Hermione?" Ron asked Harry, who he thought was Hermione, because the two had exchanged looks. Harry looked to Harry, and Harry shrugged because he was Hermione. Hermione was confused now, so they exchanged looks back. Ron thought that Trelawny would be proud of his predictive powers.

"Anyway, now we've got the sorting ceremony," said Dean Thomas. Seamus Finnegan nodded eagerly. Hanna Abbott also agreed. Neville Longbottom was not sure, but he decided to agree, as well. Eventually, a whole chorus of agreement rang out, which drowned out McGonagal when she called for "Potter, Harry" to be sorted first. Everyone fell silent, wondering how McGonagal had drowned. Luckily, Dumbledore was able to save her, and the sorting began. Harry was called out first, and sat on the uncomfortable, three-legged chair. A hat was placed on his head. "INTERESTING. _Interesting_." Said the hat. Then it screamed, "HUFFLEPUFF!" and a gasp of shock rang out through the hall. "Just joking," said the hat. "Now, let's see here… you've got bravery… yes… but mostly, loyalty, lots of that. Better be…. GRYFFINDOR!" Harry didn't know if he should be disappointed or happy, but he was scared by the table that erupted in applause. He tried to sit down at it once it settled down. But the bench disappeared! "Just kidding, just kidding," said a red-haired wizard, who had vanished the bench, and put it back in place again. Harry took his seat (so he had a spare in case this happened again).  
"Are you a potter?" asked a girl sitting next to him, "with real clay, and stuff?"

"Yes," said Harry, hoping to impress the girl, who looked attractive. "That's why they call me _Harry Potter_."

"Um, no. That's because it's your name," said the girl, who thought he was an idiot and never spoke to him again. Harry left the hall before the sorting was finished and walked straight to Gryffindor tower. "Pig's Snout," he said, because he occasionally randomly said random things.  
"What a good idea for a password!" Said the fat lady in a portrait, and swung open. Harry had the common room to himself for a long time while everyone else in Gryffindor house tried to guess the password, which they were sure was meant to be 'Caput Draconis'. It was Ron that eventually lost his temper and started yelling insults at Hermione, "FAT FACE! BEAVER TEETH! PIG SNOUT!" The portrait swung open. "Oh, you're so clever, Ron!" said Hermione adoringly. She just wanted to be able to cry two tears again. (By the way, Ron and Hermione were both sorted into Gryffindor as well. Draco was in Slytherin. All the sorting is the same as in the books. : ) ) Harry looked up when the portrait opened, outraged that someone had found his secret chamber. Or his 'Chamber of Secrets' as the parseltongue part of him liked to call it. He wondered why.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

The first lesson Harry had was transformation with Mcgonagal. He walked in and got told that because he was an animagus he didn't need to be there. Then he went to potions, and he was told by a reluctant Snape that because he had a solid gold cauldron, he didn't need to be there either. Then he went to Care of Magical Creatures, and was told by the professor that he did not take that class. Then he went to the other classes he _did_ take, and was told that he didn't need to be at any of them. Then the teachers all came along and said "Just joking. Here's some catch-up homework."  
Harry loathed the homework. Fortunately, Hermione helped him, although as a moral compass she had to point out that it would be better to do it himself. Harry took her advice into consideration when he made her do it.

The next day, Hagrid invited Harry, Ron and Hermione to his shack. Harry accepted without consulting Ron or Hermione, and kidnapped them while they were sleeping to get them to come with him. Hagrid was horrified at what Harry had done (but Harry didn't know any better. His moral compasses were asleep). Hermione woke up and told Hagrid that Harry had to apologise to him. Hagrid mumbled something about "Philosopher's Stone," and "wasn't s'posed ter tell yeh tha'." Then the fireplace exploded.

"AAAAAHHHH!" yelled Harry. "RUN, HARVEY!" He screamed.

"AAAAAHHHH!" yelled Ron. "RUN, HERMIONE!" He screamed.

"AHHHHHHHH!" yelled Hermione. She ran.

Harry was left there, but luckily it was just a dragon egg. Hagrid chuckled heartily. "It's Norber'," said Hagrid. The dragon egg rolled around, slowly become hard-boiled. Harry went back to the dormitory.  
"Don't worry, it was just a dragon," he announced to the common room.

"Those are Grade-O Non-Tradeable Goods!" said Ron. Hermione smiled at her clever little relationship buddy. Harry shrugged and went to bed.

The next morning, Harry got dressed in his converse. They had a flying lesson today. Then he went to bed again. But then his moral compass (Ron, not Hermione, because she wasn't allowed in the boys' dormitories), said, "Don't be lazy."  
So Harry got out of bed and walked around the room. Then he touched his toes, singing a song.

"When I up, down and touch the ground  
It puts me in the mood  
Up, down and touch the ground  
In the mood for food!"

And then he went to the Great Hall, to eat some food. He had honey on toast. Then some more honey, just a small smackeral.

Harry, Ron and Hermione decided that flying was the most important lesson of the day, and went straight there after breakfast.

"Now," said Professor Hooch, the flying teacher, "all wizards and witches can fly just by flapping their arms. Go on, try it." Harry was the only one that tried. "Hahahaha!"

But the joke was turned back on Professor Hooch when Harry rose up into the air. "Hahahaha!" said Harry. Then Dumbledore, who had discreetly cast _Wingardium Levosa_ on Harry from a window, removed the charm and Harry collapsed to the ground as Dumbledore snickered.  
"JUST JOKING!" Dumbledore called to Professor Hooch from the window. Harry was sent to the Hospital Wing, but out of pity, McGonagal convinced Wood to give him a place as Seeker on the house Quidatch team. Wood wasn't happy. So it was that Harry found himself being chased around Hogwarts by the magical punishment cane named Wood. Unfortunately, he was stuck in the hospital wing for about a week, so that was painful. When he got out, it was time for the first Quidatch match! Ever! Because normally they would play Quidditch at Hogwarts! Harry thought that Quidditch sounded more fun, as he ran away from the opposing team's magical canes. But luckily, he won the game when he caught the switch in his mouth. There was only one winner in Quidatch, and everyone else was on the ground in pain.

Harry also had potions that day; the Potions Teacher hated him, he was sure of it. He thought it was probably the solid gold cauldron. The teacher must have been jealous of it. Or maybe he had some sort of grudge against Harry's father or something. But that was unlikely; he probably just loved Harry's mother.

One day, Harry was wandering around in the Forbidden Forest because he was rebellious, when he overheard a noise. "Perhaps I should not have been rebellious," thought Harry. Then he realised that it was just a mysterious cloaked figure.  
"Oh, good. I thought I had to be scared," said Harry. Then the cloaked figure killed a unicorn. "Darn unicorns, eh?" said Harry. But when the cloaked figure turned to face Harry, Harry was shocked to see—

But then a centaur appeared in his line of vision!

"Get out of the way! I was about to see something!" said Harry. The centaur's face darkened ominously, "you do not want to have seen that."

"Well, that may be true, but now that I haven't seen what I don't want to have seen, I want to see what I would have seen if I hadn't not seen it!" Said Harry. The centaur's face brightened in confusion. "Mars is bright tonight," the centaur said, to seem like he understood. Harry nodded knowingly, to seem like he understood. Quirrel, who was still just standing there, wandered off at this point, because he couldn't stand centaur rubbish.  
"Let's go for a ride, Barry!" said the centaur, and Harry was not one to turn down a free ride.

Just then, though, as Harry was sitting on the centaur's back, another centaur came running over and kicked the first one because it didn't respect itself. Harry was disappointed that his ride was over, and returned to the castle. He told his moral compasses about all that had happened in the forest. They told him that drinking the blood of unicorns was bad. Harry had a sudden epiphany, "Does that mean that Quirrel is EVIL?"

You see, Harry had remembered that for every Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson with Quirrel, the professor had started off by saying, "I drink unicorn blood."

Ron and Hermione both rolled their eyes and explained that, in all probability, Quirrel had been _joking_. Harry thought about what he knew of the wizarding world and agreed.

"I know!" said Harry, "It must be Snape that's evil, because he _never_ says he's been drinking unicorn blood!"

"You're right!" said Harry. "Let's go to the Forbidden Corridor on the Third Floor so that we can catch him in the act!"

So off they went. Ron and Hermione knew better than to disagree with Harry when Harry was backing him up.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

"Harry, I do not like your clever idea that nearly got us killed, or worse, expelled!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron, remembering that he had also said something memorable in the movie.

"Didn't you see that trapdoor, Hermione? I thought you would have seen it, you did in the book and the movie!" said Harry.

"This is a fanfiction, Harry," said Hermione, "Anything can happen in a fanfiction."

"Or not happen, I suppose," said Harry. "Anyway, luckily I was the trapdoor."

"That must mean the giant three headed dog called Fluffy was _guarding_ something!"

"Yes, you're right!" said Harry, then realised that neither Ron nor Hermione had spoken.

Right at that moment, Ron suddenly remembered that Hagrid had mumbled something about a Philosopher's stone.

"I bet it's guarding Nicholas Flamel!" said Ron.

"But… what about his wife?" asked Hermione, "Surely Nick wouldn't have abandoned her!"

"Maybe… Maybe his wife is an animagus, who can turn into Fluffy!" said Ron.

"How romantic!" sighed Hermione.

With their well-developed new theory, they all felt quite accomplished.

Later on, there as a troll that came into the building. Harry stuck his wand up its nose and beat it, while Hermione and Ron formulated the idea that Snape had let it in as a diversion. They quickly went to the Forbidden Corridor on the Third Floor to catch Snape in the action.

"Stop right there!" they yelled simultaneously at the shadowy figure attempting to lull Fluffy to sleep.

The figure froze. Then it quickly opened the trapdoor and fled down it, away from the first years. They dove in after it, but by the time they got down, the figure had already made it to the final chamber.

"Oh well, we tried," shrugged Hermione. They went to fetch Dumbledore, who dealt with the breach in security. The trio of children, however, heard Snape protesting that

"The stone is not safe here!" and were forced to conclude that he was trying not to murder Nick, but to steal the stone. So they went to head him off at the Forbidden Corridor on the Third Floor.

Before they got there, though, Harry turned himself into a cat to go faster – but it backfired and he got really tired, as cats need a lot of sleep. When he woke up, it turned out that Ron and Hermione had gotten the Philosopher's Stone and defeated Quirrel without him.

Apparently, Quirrel had a Lord Voldemort infestation. Harry knew the feeling. Based on their common ground, Harry decided that Quirrel would be his new best friend, since his other friends insisted on being moral compasses. Unfortunately, he then learned that Quirrel had died. Harry therefore decided that Quirrel's corpse could be his idea-bounce-off-er-er.

Then it was time to go home.

Harry said, sentimentally, "I'm not going home, not really," and accidentally broke the enchantments that required him to live with the Dursleys'. Now he had to live at Hogwarts.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

Over the summer holidays, Harry bonded with Snape in a father-son way, and they were now the best of friends. Harry also bonded with Quirrel's corpse, which turned out to be a patient listener. Snape, Harry's new father-figure, informed Harry that it was unhealthy to be so attached to a corpse. Harry said fine, and stormed out angrily. But the father-son bond was broken, and so when Ron and Hermione returned for their second year, they didn't notice anything amiss. But a single tear rolled down Harry's cheek.

Ron and Hermione, being good moral compasses, turned their backs before laughing gleefully together at Harry's single tear. However, they were in front of a mirror, so this didn't work, and Harry vowed to himself that he would check to see if any of their siblings were potential romantic partners.

Harry was extraordinarily pleased to discover that Ron had a little sister that fit his requirements (opposite gender, year younger, red hair) perfectly. Also, she seemed insecure, so he could easily take advantage of this. He informed both Hermione and Ron of his plan, and they informed _him_ that doing that would be _bad_. So instead, he appreciated Ginny for who she was as a person and they soon started dating.

Ginny told him all about a diary that she had, that called itself 'Tom Marvolo Riddle'. Harry pointed out how funny it was that if you rearranged the letters, that spelled 'I am Lord Voldemort'. Ginny, however, was horrified, and tried to flush it through a ghost's head. She was unsuccessful, although she did score 50 points for the effort.

Then Harry agreed to take the diary of Ginny's hands, and it showed him all about how Hagrid was actually evil and such. He asked Quirrel what he thought about all this, but Quirrel let Harry decide for himself what to make of it. Harry appreciated it greatly. Snape watched from afar, and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

As Harry contemplated, a house-elf belonging to his arch-enemy Draco suddenly appeared in front of him. Draco has not been mentioned up to this point because he is so evil. He had tried to help Harry adjust to the wizarding world, which was, in Harry's book (_Sniper Rifle Dude) _an unforgivable offence. Anyway, Dobby said, "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts," which Harry thought was a bit late.

"Why not?" he asked anyway, humouring the thing.

"Oh, yes. I should have started with that. The Chamber of Secrets has been opened," said Dobby.

"That's just the Gryffindor common room," explained Harry, "I got the strange impulse to call it that."

"What?" asked Dobby. "No. Salazar Slytherin's Chamber of Secrets. The one with the basilisk."

"What's a basilisk?" asked Harry interestedly as Dobby started whacking his head. "A basilisk," said Dobby, whacking the stupid boy again, "is clearly a giant snake thing that can kill you by looking at you."

"oh," said Harry, "is that why Hermione's been just lying there all year?"

"Yes," said Dobby.

"And Quirrel?" asked Harry.

"I is not knowing of any Quirrelmorts," said Dobby.

"Oh," said Harry.

Dobby apparated away, back to Malfoy manner, and left Harry to his contemplation.

Harry decided to consult with the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, who he hadn't met yet. He wandered off to the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor's office. He walked in, and was met with flashing teeth.

"AAH!" he yelled, and quickly stepped back to avoid the shark.

"Well, that was pointless," said Harry, and decided that Malfoy was probably responsible."

"Could it BE?" said the professor, "Harry _Potter_?"

Professor Lockhart put an arm around Harry's shoulder, which Harry forcibly removed before punching Lockhart in the face.

"My ARM!" yelled Lockhart, looking at his bloody shoulder where an arm used to be attached.

"Don't worry," said Harry, "I just vanished the bones. And the rest."

With Lockhart sufficiently dealt with, Harry walked off to find the entrance to the chamber of secrets, only to find that Ginny had disappeared with the diary.

"That thief!" he said. "I can't believe I ever dated her."

Down in the chamber, a single tear rolled down Ginny's cheek.

"Nah," said Harry, "because I love her for who she is as a person, I don't think so poorly of her."

Down in the chamber, two relationship tears rolled down Ginny's cheek.

"She must have been kidnapped," continued Harry, "and Malfoy must be responsible. Because Malfoy is evil."

With this new theory, Harry decided he had to sneak into the Slythering common room to interrogate Malfoy about the Chamber of Secrets, where he had undoubtedly hidden Harry's beloved Ginny. The best way to do this was to make a polyjuice potion.

Harry read the recipe, which looked far too complex for him, but then noticed a note at the bottom

_Alternatively, if you have a solid gold cauldron, just fill it with water and then add a hair of whoever you want to turn into_.

"Hooray!" said Harry.

_Just joking_. He read further.

_However, if you are reading this, it means one of your moral compasses is a potions genius and predicted before she was petrified that you would have need of the potion, so just go to Myrtle's bathroom where Hermione left an endless supply._

After carefully scanning for any further remarks, Harry said, "Hooray!"

Harry quickly grabbed Ron, explaining on the way, "You see, Harvey, Ginny's gone missing, and I know it's because of Malfoy, and Hermione left us some polyjuice potion, so we're going to go and talk to malfoy!"

Ron was confused. "I'm confused," said Ron.

Harry shoved a gobletful of polyjuice potion plus Crabbe's toenails at Ron, "Just drink this."

Ron did as instructed. Harry drank the other, that had some of Goyle's hair in it. He didn't like the idea of drinking someone's toenails. They then went to interrogate Malfoy – unfortunately, they hadn't had the foresight to deal with the real Crabbe and Goyle. This led to one of those standoffs on doppelganger episodes of cartoons and Disney shows, where everyone claims to be the 'real' whoever-it-is. Draco solved the problem by working out that Crabbe and Goyle must both secretly have an identical twin. Crabbe and Goyle, being stupid, thought Malfoy was probably right.

Malfoy then went on to explain to the Crabbes and Goyles, "I hear the Ginny has gone missing. I hope that Potter rescues her from the Chamber – I sent my house elf to warn him about it."

"Malfoy's not evil!" exclaimed Ron.

Draco looked pointedly at the real Crabbe, "What have you been telling your twin about me?" he asked grumpily.

"I don't remember," said Crabbe.

Right then, Crabbe's twin's hair started turning red, just as Goyle's twin's hair started turning black.

"What's going on with you two?" asked Malfoy.

"Stomach ache!" yelled Harry and Ron as they sprinted off down the corridor.

"Wow," said Draco. "That was oddly simultaneous."


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

After reaching the safety of Harry's Chamber of Secrets, Ron and Harry discussed what they had found out – namely, that Ginny was hiding in the Chamber of Secrets belonging to Salazar Slytherin.

"We've found out that Ginny is hiding in the Chamber of Secrets belonging to Salazar Slytherin," said Harry.

"Do you know where that is?" asked Ron.

"No," said Harry, "but I bet the ghosts could find it. They can go through walls, you know."

"Let's ask the grey lady, and let's also ask if she has any idea where any mysterious crowns are."

"Okay," said Ron, "but first, I need to go to the toilet. Let's go to the girls' bathroom on the second floor."

"Righty-o then," Harry said, and they set off. Harry also needed to use the toilet.

As he was washing his hands, Harry noticed the tap didn't turn on, and also had a snake engraved on the side of it. He used the other sink. Ron tried the first tap, and let out a strange sounding hiss-snarl-growl when it didn't work. Although to Harry, it sounded oddly like Ron had said 'open'.

To Ron's pleasure, the sink rose up and revealed the entrance to Salazar's Chamber of Secrets.

"That was deliberate," he said.

"I guess we don't need to talk to the Grey Lady, then," said Harry, "It's probably best that we leave her for our seventh year when we know about horcruxes, anyway."

"Yes," agreed Ron, "Now let's go save Ginny!" He shoved Harry into the gaping pit in the middle of the room. Ron then waited for about 20 seconds before hearing a dull 'thud'.

"You alright, Harry?" he called down.

"Yep, come on down, Harvey!" said Harry and, after Ron had already jumped, "Just remember to turn into a cat on the way down!"

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Ron screamed.

Harry was delighted as he was finally able to say, "Just joking!" The fall wasn't too bad. He'd just waited for a while before thumping the wall with a stick he'd found.

For revenge, Ron landed pointedly on top of Harry. Unfortunately for Ron, Harry was wearing his traditional pointy wizard hat that day. Unfortunately for Harry, Ron was quite heavy. It was an unfortunate turn of events for all involved, including Ginny, who had to wait while they both regained consciousness to be rescued.

After regaining consciousness, they walked down the corridor until Harry suddenly said, "There's been a cave in. You have to stay here while I heroically rescue your sister."

"Alright," said Ron, because he saw a spider up ahead on the wall.

Harry, hardly believing his friend's idiocy, continued on alone. Well, alone but for his loyalty to Dumbledore which he had for some reason. He supposed Dumbledore _had_ been the only one to care enough about him after his parents had been killed to even bother trying to place him into a different home. Anyway, he went in and saw Tom Riddle.

"Tom!" Harry said, "Did you know that your name is actually an _anagram_ of 'I am Lord Voldemort'? Isn't that funny?"

"You're too late, Potter," said Tom.

"I'm sorry," said Harry, "I didn't realise we had an appointment time."

"Wh—wait, what are you talking about?" Tom spluttered. "Look. Ginny. Dying over there. Me standing here ominously. I'm clearly evil."

"Oh, don't say that about yourself Tom. Just because you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time… I don't blame you at all, Tom!"

Tom rolled his eyes and called forth the basilisk.

"NOW you are clearly evil," said Harry as he dodged the basilisk's line of sight.

_What would Steven Royce Daniels do?_ Harry asked himself frantically. _I know! He would use his Sniper Rifle and beat it!... Oh well, at least I'm dying in Hogwarts, where Dumbledore who is a great man will be able to find my corpse eventually_.

Fawkes, summoned by Harry's creepy Dumbledore-worship, swooped in. The phoenix pecked out the eyes of the basilisk, then dropped a hat on Harry's head. Harry was already wearing his traditional pointy wizard hat, so he took off the extra one, but noticed that it seemed heavier than a hat normally does. To his surprise, it had a sword in it. _Well, a sword is better than nothing_, he thought. He swung it wildly at the basilisk and accidentally slew it.

In its dying convulsions, the basilisk tried to bite Harry, who held up Riddle's dairy as a shield. The basilisk's fang penetrated the book, but not Harry.

"Did you see that, Tom?" Harry said, "That is why you shouldn't summon basilisks."

Tom didn't reply. Harry looked around, slowly reaching the horrifying conclusion that the basilisk must have eaten his evil friend that Harry had hoped to reform while Harry hadn't been watching. Oh well.

"Ginny!" yelled Harry, and heroically scooped Ginny's unmoving body up in his arms. It moved. "AAAH!" yelled Harry and dropped it.

Ginny got up, dusting off her robes. "Gee, thanks," she said sarcastically.

"Umm, Ginny," said Harry, averting his eyes, "I think you accidentally dusted your robes off."

Ginny blushed bright red and quickly scooped up her robes to cover herself.

They went back to Ron (there was an implied interlude wherein Ginny put her robes back on first).

Fawkes helped them out of the chamber, and Harry told his friends about his new conviction that a sniper rifle was an absolutely essential tool to have. Ron and Hermione, being moral compasses, were dubious, but Harry did seem to be in grave danger quite often. After much conversation, Ron and Hermione went to tell Harry of their final decision. "You may have only one sniper rifle," said Ron.

Harry beamed at them.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

Harry took all of his gold out of his vault at Gringotts and spent it on a top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art, best-of-the-best, cool-as-a-cucumber sniper rifle. His childhood dream was coming true, _finally_ at the ripe old age of 12.

Then he asked Dumbledore how he could defeat Voldemort (he still lived at Hogwarts, so it was easy to ask Dumbledore). While he was in Dumbledore's office, he accidentally freed Dobby from the Malfoys. Dobby said that he was eternally greatful and would check in on Harry from time to time to make sure he was doing okay.

That dealt with, Harry resumed his conversation with Dumbledore about horcruxes. Dumbledore said that the horcruxes were no doubt well-protected from all wizarding magical methods of finding them, with defences against any wizards who might try to approach. He went on to explain about how Voldemort was the best wizard-proofer in the whole world. Then Dumbledore went off on a tangent about how house-elves were often underestimated, because they had their own brand of magic. Harry, being the bright person that he was, soon came up with a plan to collect the horcruxes.

"Dobby!" he yelled.

Dobby stepped out the shadows, where he had been lurking and watching Harry obsessively.

"ARGH!" yelled Dumbledore.

Harry ignored Dumbledore's heart-attack, and said to Dobby, "Can you collect all of Voldemort's horcruxes for me please?"

"Certainly," said Dobby, and clicked his fingers. A pile of horcruxes appeared in front of him. Dobby started muttering, "Now let's see here, that one belongs to Gellert, and that one I is pretty sure belongs to Dumbledore, so these 7 should… Harry? Why are you standing in my pile?"

Harry muttered an unintelligible explanation and stepped away from the pile.

"Oh!" squealed Dobby, "YOU is a horcrux! Why didn't you say so?"

Dobby snapped his fingers again and Harry was no longer a horcrux. Then Dobby quickly finished sorting the horcrux pile, sending those that weren't Voldemort's back where they came from.

"Can you destroy Voldemort's horcruxes?" asked Harry.

"No," said Dobby dejectedly.

Harry was disappointed and confused.

"Just joking," said Dobby. "But you could destroy them yourself with your cool new sniper rifle, if you wanted to try it out."

"AWESOME!" yelled Harry and pulled out his sniper rifle.

As Harry started shooting wildly, Dobby cowered, and hastened to say, "THAT WAS A JOKE, THAT WAS A JOKE!"

Harry continued shooting wildly, but in the direction of Dobby now. Unfortunately for Dobby, Harry had purchased a magical sniper rifle that never ran out of bullets. Dobby snapped his fingers and vanished, while with the same snap he destroyed all of Voldemort's horcruxes. Harry stopped shooting immediately, breathing hard. Dumbledore lay there, in need of medical attention (from his heart attack). Luckily, Dumbledore had a personal house-elf that just apparated him to Saint Mango's.

Meanwhile, Pettigrew tracked down Voldemort. He had seen the signs of insanity in both Hermione and Harry, so decided it was best to get out early before they decided they would like rat-fur earmuffs or something. Pettigrew didn't know about the blood protection, though, so he resurrected Voldemort without that part, and Harry wasn't kidnapped for the ritual. Pettigrew hadn't, however, run off before the Weasley family's trip to Egypt, so was pictured in the Daily Prophet. Consequently, Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban and went to find Harry at 4 Privet Drive. He thought Harry was fatter than he remembered, before realising that the fat kid was probably Harry's cousin. So he waited, and waited, until realising that Harry was probably staying at a friend's house or something.

So Sirius Black set off to Hogwarts to await the school year.

Meanwhile, Harry was looking for stray animals to practice his shooting on. Very, _very_ fortunately, Steven Royce Daniels had owned a big, black, shaggy dog, so instead of shooting Sirius, Harry tried to adopt him. Sirius went along with it. Until, that is, Harry tried to call him "Blackie", like the dog from the book. Sirius, you see, was extremely racist, and did not appreciate being called "Blackie". This was also why he had disowned his family. Anyway, Sirius quickly transformed into a human and told Harry to call him either 'Padfoot' or 'Sirius' instead, then went back to going along with it. Harry, determined to own a big, black, shaggy dog, didn't concern himself with this brief transformation. But he did call it 'Sirius', lest it decide to transform into a human permanently and he be left with no dog at all.

Harry was surprised to learn of the escaped prisoner from Azkaban named Sirius. But it didn't occur to him that it could be his pet dog.

Before long, the school year began. Hermione and Ron came back, and Hermione was horrified to learn that Harry had spent _all_ of his money on the sniper rifle. Then she came up with a clever idea.

"Harry!" she screeched excitedly, "We should loot graves together!"

"YES!" said Harry, "… wait. You're joking, aren't you?"

"No!" said Hermione, and they went on a looting spree that night, deciding not to tell Ron about it until the next morning because he was always a spoilsport.

They told Ron the next morning.

"WHAT?" said Ron, "… wait. You're joking, aren't you?"

"YES!" said Harry.

"NO!" said Hermione, who would never lie because that was morally wrong.

"NO!" said Harry, because Hermione was his moral compass.

Ron was understandably horrified.

He told them that they should not do it again. Also to return what they _had_ looted, but Harry and Hermione ignored that part.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Their new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor was Professor Lupin. Harry giggled at the name, especially when he learned that the professor's first name was Remus. Because both names were wolf-related. And he thought it was funny that a wolf was teaching him how to defend himself. Because wolves didn't use sniper rifles. And obviously to Harry, sniper rifles were the most instrumental defensive tool ever. And offensive. And culinary, but that was something he kept to himself.

Anyway, Professor Lupin told them about how Voldemort had been reincarnated. Harry took out his sniper rifle and said, "It's dark wizard shooting time."

Lupin then went on to explain, ignoring Harry, that nobody could tell where Voldemort was currently hiding. Harry yelled, "Dobby!"

The elf appeared in the middle of Harry's first lesson of the new term, and cast a silencing charm on Lupin so as to better hear Harry's follow-up request. "I need you to find Voldemort, Dobby," said Harry, as Lupin gesticulated angrily. Lupin's gesticulations suddenly ceased. He wanted to hear the answer to Harry's question (not that he was making much noise anyway).

"Find him?" asked Dobby, "But he's just in that cupboard over there, eavesdropping to find out how your defense lesson is going. I was too, actually, until you summoned me. That's how I know."

Harry aimed his sniper rifle at the cupboard and shot repeatedly. He didn't stop until there was virtually no cupboard left. Luckily, it was actually Voldemort who had been in the cupboard, and not a boggart. Harry discreetly looted Voldemort's pockets for money.

Dumbledore suddenly burst into the defense classroom.

"COME IMMEDIATELY TO THE GRAND HALL I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!" he screamed. (Harry had insisted that everyone start calling it the Grand Hall, instead of the Great Hall, because Steven Royce Daniels had had a Grand Hall at his school, PigPustules.) The students all flooded out of the room, because Harry was still firing with his sniper rifle. He stopped firing his rifle and looked around, then remembered he was meant to be going to the Grand Hall. He put the sniper rifle in his back pocket (hoping it didn't fire accidentally) and walked to the Grand Hall. There he found a note: "Just joking, Harry. I meant the North Tower."

He made his way to the North Tower. He entered through the doors just in time to hear Dumbledore say

"… and since Voldemort has now been defeated, we shall begin referring to the 'Grand Hall' by its proper title, the 'Great' Hall."  
Harry felt used. Had they really just gone along with his childhood fantasy so he would beat Voldemort for them? Yes. Harry had pulled this conclusion from nothing, but was entirely convinced it was correct. He took the sniper rifle out of his (extremely deep) back pocket. There was no time to consult with his moral compasses. He thought they would probably allow it, anyway. Kneeling down in the typical sniper-shooting position, the one he'd learnt from Steven Royce Daniels himself, he shot Dumbledore through the head three times, and then through the foot six times. Dumbledore fell from the tower in slow motion.

"HAAAAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYYY!" screamed Ron and Hermione. Harry found this oddly simultaneous.

"What is it, guys?" he asked, as though it was completely normal to shoot Dumbledore nine times.  
"HARVEY AND I HAVE SOME SPEAKING TO DO TO YOU," said Hermione.

They quickly rushed Harry to the Great/Grand Hall and Hermione slapped him across the face. Ron slapped him across the stomach, seeing that Hermione had taken his face.

"GUYS!" Harry yelled, "What is _with_ the _slapping_?" He pulled out his sniper rifle, but Hermione ducked.

"Whoa, Hermione, I'm not gonna shoot _you_! You're my moral compass… one of them, anyway."  
"You only need one moral compass, Harry," said Ron.

"And," Hermione added sadly, "It probably shouldn't be me. I am now aware that I was probably not a very good influence on you." Harry thought Hermione was being stupid, so he put his sniper rifle away so it didn't get stupid germs on it.

"Harry," Ron said sternly, "I realise that, growing up in a cupboard, you didn't have much time to develop a moral compass of your own. I think you should not be allowed a sniper rifle of your own until you have developed one. HAND IT OVER"  
Harry didn't want to hand over his sniper rifle, so he ran, conveniently hitting Ron in the head as he went.

He fled to his Chamber of Secrets, changing the password as he went in. He didn't want anyone to disturb him, and he threw everybody out, but Ginny refused to leave. Harry didn't threaten her with a sniper rifle, because he loved and respected her for herself, as advised by Ron and Hermione. He sat down and thought by the fire.

He thought, and thought, and thought. Then he thought, and thought, and thought, and thought.

"Think, think, think," he said to himself, tapping his head with a paw (or more precisely, a lucky rabbit's foot that he'd found lying around).

His dog, Sirius, came over, and he realised that even without a sniper rifle, he would still have his dog.  
"Ginny," he said, "do you think I should have a gun without a moral compass?"

His dog transformed briefly into a human, "Remember I told you to call me Sirius," it reminded him helpfully. Ginny fell over, "SIRIUS BLACK!"

"WHAT?" yelled Harry, looking around wildly, "WHERE?" and he pulled out his sniper rifle. Ginny tackled Harry, "no, Harry, you can't have that without a moral compass! You might shoot someone that isn't a criminal!"

"BUT YOU SAID YOU SAW SIRIUS BLACK!" screamed Harry, "I HAVE TO HEROICALLY LOOK AFTER YOU!" By this time, Sirius had transformed back into a dog, because he did not condone capital punishment in any way, shape, or form, or encourage his readers to do so.

"Your dog turned into Sirius Black," Ginny explained gently.  
"No, you must have misunderstood – I called him "Blackie" once, but he asked to be called "Sirius". He's not Sirius Black."

Seeing that the sniper rifle was well controlled, Sirius transformed once more into a human to quickly explain his innocence. "I'm innocent," he explained. Harry and Ginny believed him. How could they not, with his big puppy-dog eyes looking at them? "Also, you shouldn't have a sniper rifle until you develop a moral compass of your own," said Sirius. Harry and Ginny believed him. How could they not, with his big puppy-dog eyes looking at them? Harry reluctantly handed his sniper rifle over. Ginny said, "No! Harry! Don't give a suspected mass-murderer a sniper rifle!" just as people burst into the room.

Now long-used to the strange deathly scenarios often found around Harry, the people streaming in screamed and ducked robotically. Sirius quickly turned back into a dog before anyone spotted him. Harry left his sniper rifle lying there, regretfully apologising in his head to Steven Royce Daniels. Then he realised that these circumstances fit very closely with those under which Steven Royce Daniels had proposed to his wife. He quickly pulled a ring from his pocket (he'd looted it from a grave). He put it on Ginny's finger and decided that her not taking it off was her acceptance.

Hermione, who had come in with the stream of people, sighed happily. "How romantic!" she said. Ron, being a better moral compass, said, "Harry, you need to ask her first." He turned to Hermione, "Like so!" and he pulled the ring he had bought earlier in case this situation arose from his pocket, "Would you do me the honour of agreeing to marry me?" he said.

"How romantic!" screamed Hermione. "I mean, yes!" Harry didn't have much of a moral compass of his own, but he found it a bit weird that this was happening, because they were only thirteen.

Shrugging, he turned back to Ginny, "When I shoved that ring on your unprotesting finger, it should have been viewed as a marriage proposal," he informed her.

"Oh. Well then, I accept," said Ginny.

"How romantic!" screamed Hermione.

Two relationship tears rolled down the cheeks of everybody in the room, even the single ones, because it was so romantic.

Down in the dungeons, a single tear rolled down Snape's cheek.

THE END.


End file.
